Perform is a negative word for me.
I was expected to perform on a regular basis, and that
performance had to be perfect. Somehow, if it wasn’t perfect and even though I
was told “it’s okay” it didn’t feel okay.
Not being perfect was failure.
I found lots of ways of coping with the unattainable goal,
but mostly I got addicted to success. If I had success, my life was livable, I
was accepted, I was loved. If I failed, no one looked at me, I felt shunned, I
was angry and frustrated, and I hid.
Soon I was not just hiding after failure, but I was hiding
from performing. Performing meant there was a real possibility of failure and I
just couldn’t take failure anymore. So I hid.
Hiding took a lot of forms:
-
Sleeping in late
-
Getting sick
-
Forgetting
-
Eating comfort food
-
Drinking
-
Acting out
-
Folding in on myself
Then I found different ways to hide:
-
Getting new friends
-
Blocking out old friends (who knew my failures)
-
Ignoring or avoiding people who I perceived I
had failed or hurt in some way
And all because I felt I was expected to perform.
I did perform quiet a bit. I did everything my parents told
me to do. I was able to attain a boyfriend every year, sometimes two per year
(this was a goal of most of the girls in school). I performed on stage in band,
in choir, in small groups and ensembles, solo piano, solo flute, even solo voice.
I performed for my college friends by telling them stories about the desert
where I lived. I performed for my teachers by telling them I would do better.
Later I performed for my husband by keeping a clean house and making sure the
dishes were done (with children in the mix, you can imagine how often I failed).
I performed for my children by being loving, kind, but making sure they were
obedient.
This behavior has hounded me my entire life.
But, Thank God, I get relief in Jesus. Jesus did the perfect
performance in His life and His sacrifice and His awesome resurrection. Then He
gave that to me.
Now, I don’t have to perform. I can fail and still be loved.
I can make big mistakes and be forgiven.
Even better, I have the Spirit to teach me, to warn me when
I feel the need to perform, or the need to cope in an unhealthy way.
Thank You, God, for Your plan!
Thank You Jesus!
Perform – 11-4-22 – Five Minute Friday
photo info - Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/3005398-3005398/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1674404">Robert Pastryk</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com//?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1674404">Pixabay</a>
