Perform

 

Perform is a negative word for me.

I was expected to perform on a regular basis, and that performance had to be perfect. Somehow, if it wasn’t perfect and even though I was told “it’s okay” it didn’t feel okay.

Not being perfect was failure.

I found lots of ways of coping with the unattainable goal, but mostly I got addicted to success. If I had success, my life was livable, I was accepted, I was loved. If I failed, no one looked at me, I felt shunned, I was angry and frustrated, and I hid.

Soon I was not just hiding after failure, but I was hiding from performing. Performing meant there was a real possibility of failure and I just couldn’t take failure anymore. So I hid.

Hiding took a lot of forms:

-          Sleeping in late

-          Getting sick

-          Forgetting

-          Eating comfort food

-          Drinking

-          Acting out

-          Folding in on myself

Then I found different ways to hide:

-          Getting new friends

-          Blocking out old friends (who knew my failures)

-          Ignoring or avoiding people who I perceived I had failed or hurt in some way

And all because I felt I was expected to perform.

 

I did perform quiet a bit. I did everything my parents told me to do. I was able to attain a boyfriend every year, sometimes two per year (this was a goal of most of the girls in school). I performed on stage in band, in choir, in small groups and ensembles, solo piano, solo flute, even solo voice. I performed for my college friends by telling them stories about the desert where I lived. I performed for my teachers by telling them I would do better. Later I performed for my husband by keeping a clean house and making sure the dishes were done (with children in the mix, you can imagine how often I failed). I performed for my children by being loving, kind, but making sure they were obedient.

This behavior has hounded me my entire life.

But, Thank God, I get relief in Jesus. Jesus did the perfect performance in His life and His sacrifice and His awesome resurrection. Then He gave that to me.

Now, I don’t have to perform. I can fail and still be loved. I can make big mistakes and be forgiven.

Even better, I have the Spirit to teach me, to warn me when I feel the need to perform, or the need to cope in an unhealthy way.

Thank You, God, for Your plan!

Thank You Jesus!

Perform – 11-4-22 – Five Minute Friday

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